6:00 Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell
6:30 Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 Ceremonial Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd Amendment)
6:45 Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 Seminar #1: Katherine Harris on "Are Elections Really Necessary?"
7:30 Announcement: Lincoln Memorial Renamed for Ronald Reagan
7:35 Trent Lott: "Re-segregation in the 21st Century"
7:40 EPA Address #1: Mercury: It's What's for Dinner
8:00 Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos Are After Your Children
8:30 Round table discussion on reproductive rights (men only)
8:50 Seminar #2: Corporations: The Government of the Future
9:00 Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"
9:05 Phyllis Schlafly speaks on "Why Women Shouldn't Be Leaders"
9:10 EPA Address #2: Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires
9:30 Break for secret meetings
10:00 Second Prayer led by Cal Thomas
10:15 Carl Rove Lecture: Doublespeak Made Simple
10:30 Rumsfeld Lecture/Demonstration: How to Squint and Talk Macho Even When You Feel Squishy Inside
10:35 Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare
10:40 John Ashcroft Demonstration: New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt
10:45 GOP's Tribute to Tokenism, featuring Colin Powell & Condi Rice
10:46 Ann Coulter's Tribute to "Joe McCarthy, Great American Patriot"
10:50 Seminar #3: Education: A Drain on Our Nation's Economy
11:10 Hilary Clinton Pinata
11:20 John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult
11:30 Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again
11:35 Blame Clinton
11:40 Newt Gingrich speaks on "The Sanctity of Marriage"
11:50 Closing Prayer led by Sun Myung Moon and Prince Bandar
12:00 Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord