Republican National Convention Schedule

6:00 Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell

6:30 Pledge of Allegiance

6:35 Ceremonial Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd Amendment)

6:45 Salute to the Coalition of the Willing

6:46 Seminar #1: Katherine Harris on "Are Elections Really Necessary?"

7:30 Announcement: Lincoln Memorial Renamed for Ronald Reagan

7:35 Trent Lott: "Re-segregation in the 21st Century"

7:40 EPA Address #1: Mercury: It's What's for Dinner

8:00 Vote on which country to invade next

8:10 Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh

8:15 John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos Are After Your Children

8:30 Round table discussion on reproductive rights (men only)

8:50 Seminar #2: Corporations: The Government of the Future

9:00 Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"

9:05 Phyllis Schlafly speaks on "Why Women Shouldn't Be Leaders"

9:10 EPA Address #2: Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires

9:30 Break for secret meetings

10:00 Second Prayer led by Cal Thomas

10:15 Carl Rove Lecture: Doublespeak Made Simple

10:30 Rumsfeld Lecture/Demonstration: How to Squint and Talk Macho Even When You Feel Squishy Inside

10:35 Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare

10:40 John Ashcroft Demonstration: New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt

10:45 GOP's Tribute to Tokenism, featuring Colin Powell & Condi Rice

10:46 Ann Coulter's Tribute to "Joe McCarthy, Great American Patriot"

10:50 Seminar #3: Education: A Drain on Our Nation's Economy

11:10 Hilary Clinton Pinata

11:20 John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult

11:30 Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again

11:35 Blame Clinton

11:40 Newt Gingrich speaks on "The Sanctity of Marriage"

11:50 Closing Prayer led by Sun Myung Moon and Prince Bandar

12:00 Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord